Avtimer Flight Watch Humor

Aviation Humor

Flight Watch would like to thank all those who contributed to this collection. We will continue to add anecdotes as they arrive. Thanks in advance to future contributors as well.

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	We are privileged to have acquired this first unclassified photo of the newest addition to U.S. air power -- the F-22 Stealth Fighter Bomber. Practically invisible to radar & optical cameras, above a pilot joins his weapons officer, already aboard. Note the revolutionary design of the tail assembly and the unusual shape of the upper cockpit canopy. Performance specifications are not yet available.

Flight Attendant Stories

Rules Of The Air........

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Frequent Flyer Rules

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Good Answer

A man called United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers.

"How much do you weigh, Sir?" asked the clerk.

"With or without clothes?" the passenger asked.

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Oops...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!

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ATC Stories

Top 10 Actual Transmissions made in a TRACON

10. "Citation 123, If you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

9. "If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

8. "I am too busy to have anyone cancel on me."

7. "You're gonna have to key the mike, I can't see you when you nod your head."

6. "Put your compass on E and get out of my airspace."

5. "Don't anybody maintain anything."

4. "Climb like your life depends on it, because it does."

3. "If you want more room, Captain, push your seat back."

2. "Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, lower inside, twenty-six-nine...see ya."

1. "Air Force One, I told you to expedite."

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm (explicative) bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was (explicative) bored, not (explicative) stupid!"

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach speed was just a little too fast.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
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It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?

Delta 105: Long pause followed by a thick southern drawl, "Well, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle though."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight!"

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speed bird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt. Speed bird 206, clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speed bird 206: "Stand by a moment ground. I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground: With some arrogant impatience, "Speed bird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!"

Speed bird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944... But in another type of Boeing... I didn't stop."

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I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard (I don't recall call signs any longer):

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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QUANTAS: After every flight, all pilots complete a gripe sheet which is meant to
test problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight. The
mechanics use this checklist to make repairs and/or corrections. The
actual form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and
submits to the mechanics for action. The mechanic must respond...in writing, on
the lower half of the form...regarding what was done to the aircraft.

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the aircraft is put back in service. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers are lacking for a sense of humor. The following are actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS pilots, along with the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, QUANTAS is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident.

EXAMPLE:
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs are currently on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with all the words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

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Flight Attendant Stories

The Day an Airline Stewardess Clipped Muhammad Ali's Wings

Just before takeoff on an airplane flight, the stewardess reminded boxer Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. "Superman don't need no seat belt," replied Ali. "Superman don't need no airplane, either," retorted the stewardess. Ali fastened his belt.

Taxiing down the runway, a jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour's delay, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked a flight attendant what the problem was.

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained, "and it took awhile to find a new pilot."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that sure as heck everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelts insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelts and if you don't know how to operate one you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight the pilot said "We've reached our cruising altitude now and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto pilot too so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

"Last one off the plane has to clean it."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault it wasn't the pilot's fault it wasn't the flight attendants' fault... It was the asphalt!"

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

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"As you exit the plane make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing the flight Attendant came on the PA and announced "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited smile and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing. He had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady asking with a cane. She said "Sonny mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am" said the pilot "what is it?" The little old lady said "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix the flight attendant came on with "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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The stories on this page are collected by submission, or from other sources. The publisher of this web site does not take responsibility for the accuracy of these stories, and true or not, they are quite humorous, which is the only intent of this web page.